i need to post this. i don’t care if people read it or not.
alright, if you guys didn’t know: i play football at an elite level.
and the last three years i’ve tried out for the most prestige jumper known in the football world, and i’ve missed out three times. i have, however, played in the seconds of said jumper twice.
i had bled, thrown up, cried, hurt, dislocated shit, beeing KOed and run until i can’t stand up anymore for that jumper and i’ve never even worn it; for three years now. and i have to go through it all again.
and i want to go through it all again, because i want it more than anything in the world, but i don’t want to imagine what will become of me if i miss out again.
i am prepared to put in the physical work again and train my ass off, gain weight, strengthen my injuries and be the best i can. but i just don’t know if i can push myself mentally as hard as i have been able to in the past.
the day i missed out the third time this year, broke my heart. it was the most disappointing week of my life: i couldn’t go to school. i couldn’t get out of bed; my depression came back and i’m still not 100% okay, but i’m getting there.
trust me, i’m going to do everything in my power to get that jumper. i’m just scared to put myself up for the disappointment again. it’s not pessimistic thinking, it’s just being hesitant as to whether i’ll be able to cope and live with myself if i miss out.
this is my last realistic chance.
i don’t know. just wish me luck yeah?
