January 2012
4 posts
10 tags
i would just like to say
that i am sick to death of giving girls crap for wearing fake tan, fake nails, having “fake hair”, being “fake”.
i used to wear all black, band shirts, ripped clothing, teased hair, copious amounts of eyeliner, studded belts, had purple, black, red and blue hair, etc. now i fake tan, wear a lot of foundation, i do my nails and i have lighter hair, i wear denim mini shorts...
i always creep people out. i don’t know why or how, but i can sense when they just get sick of me or are like “what is this crazy bitch?”.
first guy that is awesome and likes me (even after listening to me fangirl and be weird) in forever and he’s freaking 7 years older than me. and i can’t stop wanting to flirt with him. this is bad.
4 tags
going through some serious musical nostalgia at the moment. listening to all the bands i loved when i was 13, it’s actually quite fantastic and it’s making my realise the contrast in between who i am emotionally, physically, socially, mentally now and then. i’ve changed a lot. i think it was for the best. those bands and those songs got me through a lot, like.. a lot and i am...
December 2011
4 posts
boy that i am forever in love with is drunk and upset and just said that he’s worthless. i legitimately just felt an incredible hurt ripple through my whole body. i don’t want him to be upset and he’s not worthless :|
did i just get rejected without even saying anything? yep. yep i did. how did that happen when i said i’m not even worrying about anyone? god damnit. oh well. moving on.
4 tags
in other good news
i got rejected by yet another boy. but i’m done with relationships until summer’s over. so that’s the good news. i’m just going to have fun, enjoy the summer, sleep with an attractive boy or two if the opportunity arises and stop being lonely and be carefree :) until winter!! ahaha
5 tags
i threw out my razors today!
i’ve always had razors in my room for 5 years now. it’s feels nice to be serious about quitting (: no more slip ups! no more horrible scars. no more hiding bloddy tissues, floors and clothes. no more hiding my wrists. i’m done forever :)
November 2011
6 posts
holy shit. actually this doesn’t look like it’s going to stop bleeding any time soon.
2 tags
well that was way too deep to be a slip up….. when this heals, which will by the looks of things be a year, i’m going to ask if i can see my psych again.
alone.
agjsndghbadsngasdgnasd :’(
and here comes the breakdown.
4 tags
love sucks.
so there’s this guy who i’ve been in love with, yes love, for the last year. don’t give me shit; i’ve had crushes, i’ve had relationships, but i love this boy.
long story short he doesn’t return the feelings, and the whole situation resulted in my losing a few friends (one of whom he is dating).
anyway, i hadn’t seen him in a year and i thought i was...
so sick of being so goddamned alone.
little things like my new belly piercing snapping are literally making me go insane.
i’m just so.. tired.
October 2011
10 posts
4 tags
the question is, do i go for…
boy 1: the boy who likes me, is ridiculously sweet, funny, tall, noticeably attractive (not my type though), did i mention not really my type? but he is what i assume 99% of the population’s “perfect guy” is. if i date him i’m not sure it will last long though. also is best friends with my best friend.
or boy 2: the boy who i’ve...
feelin' unwanted and unloved pretty much every...
4 tags
ah rejection, you are a familiar feeling.
fun fact: i have never got a “yes” or even a “maybe”.
i know it seems.. petty to be worrying about issues like relationships when i’m only seventeen, but situations like these are actually detrimental to my health. i have absolutely ZERO self-esteem left: i cannot stand the way i look and act. my feelings towards myself...
7 tags
i broke down crying at school today.
i just am over everybody. the best way to describe how i feel is “unattractive and unloved”.
i’m also over everything. i just want to skip to the good parts.
i just want to go to uni and do my degrees. i don’t want to do high school anymore. i want to live my life.
i’m sick of not being a normal teenager. always training or...
i can't explain my life right now.
it’s just so.. empty. it’s like my will to do anything has stopped. like if i stop doing things, maybe i can blank out and skip to the good bits.
is it bad to blank out for a year or so to get to the good bits?
trying to work everything out.
i’m sick of people cancelling or forgetting plans i have with them. it’s really making me feel unwanted, despite whatever excuse they have.
because this is what my ex-best friend did to me, she “forgot” all our plans until we just didn’t talk anymore.
i don’t want to leave this bed anymore.
5 tags
i know this is so incorrect, but if i’d conformed earlier, worn makeup earlier, fake tanned earlier, worn fake nails earlier, dressed like a “normal, popular teenaged girl” earlier.. my life would be completely different, but instead i wore studs and chains and black and ripped shit.
my stubbornness towards preserving my individuality got me bullied and one thing led to...
i need to post this. i don’t care if people read it or not.
alright, if you guys didn’t know: i play football at an elite level.
and the last three years i’ve tried out for the most prestige jumper known in the football world, and i’ve missed out three times. i have, however, played in the seconds of said jumper twice.
i had bled, thrown up, cried, hurt, dislocated...
3 tags
seems that although my self control seems to have dropped it’s guard a little, it’s still strong.
i did cut. but not deep. i got so excited once i’d cut that i started to go much deeper, but i stopped myself.
kudos to me. but also FML. that was my longest not-cutting-streak
2 tags
i’m dizzy, i want to cut, i don’t know why. i haven’t cut in ages.
i don’t know how to avoid this.
all i can think is “come on, just a little one won’t hurt anyone”. but i know that if i put that blade to my wrist, it won’t be small, little or shallow.
September 2011
4 posts
4 tags
so just to back up a little bit, i missed out on my dream. what i’ve been working my ass off for two years now for. i gave it my everything, and i didn’t make it.
so i was as optimistic as one could be and thought “next year, i’ll get it next year”.
turns out that “next year” (also my last chance) starts in 6 weeks.
i feel like i have insufficient time...
5 tags
waiting for the guy i like to come online on Facebook before i post my trophy and medal from footy presentation today, so that i can possibly impress him.
4 tags
mhm. why do i have this feeling that i shouldn’t have given up on you. why do these feelings keep coming back!? D:
i’m pretty sure that my hypothalamus is a dick.
4 tags
i haven't cut in 6 months :)
and i haven’t tried to lose weight, i’ve actually been trying to put weight on.
but life still seems to suck mega giraffe abortions.
August 2011
8 posts
i am so disappointed and angry at myself that ..
i can’t…
i’m sorry. i want to rant. but i can’t.
i can’t do this.
krazee-freak asked: I wanted to let you know that I read all of your last post, and don't worry. I promise you that you will find someone, someone who wants to be more than just friends. You are 16, you still have most of your life ahead of you so try not to put yourself down. Guys your age are really immature and don't know a good thing when they've got it. So smile, and don't let the world get...
samariebbs asked: I read it all the way through. I'm 20, and I've come to the conclusion that I am fuckable, not loveable. The good thing about life is that it goes on, I just need to focus on myself. I cannot love another person until I love myself first. Progress.
boyfriendsareforwinter asked: hey:) I read it. TIL THE END! and I've been there. I actually got rejected like that also not too long ago. He said : you're pretty, attractive, but i don't see you as gf material. Hurts right ?
6 tags
and there we have it folks. he just wants to be friends. i’m beyond sick of being let down like this. i can’t stand it anymore. i want once, JUST ONCE to not get rejected. FUUSDFKSNDCSDKFN@(#@%&@(#%*@#%CK. i’m hurting a lot right now: not so much because of him, because i’m over it! i’m over it all! i. give. up. this is me officially giving up. officially forever...
3 tags
i've never felt truly wanted.
and if i have, i’ve later found out that that they didn’t want me, they were just being nice.
BEST DAY EVER.
1. i’m halfway to achieving my dreams for this year, and i’ve achieved my childhood dreams.
2. i met a cute guy (:
3 tags
the awkward, heartbreaking moment when you realise footballer’s girlfriends are popular and attractive and you don’t have a hope in hell.
this feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy sucks….
and, well, now that i have that tears-stuck-in-your-throat kind of feeling, which (might i add) is a total overreaction.. i’m going to sleep.
July 2011
11 posts
all is good at the moment (:
although i’m still lonely, who cares, i’ll live.
i love crying for six hours straight.
false alarm...
although i had a rough week, i feel a lot better. i think it’s because i wasn’t exercising, but now that i’m back and taking care of myself again i feel a lot better.
it’s odd, considering the way i used to be, that i am now so aware of my body: my nutrition, my fitness, my muscles, my recovery, my water intake, whether i’m working too hard or not enough.
i love...
-novocainekisses asked: Hey, I know I don't know you, but I saw your post. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and if you ever need/want to talk about anything, my ask is always open.
4 tags
the hardest part is when you want to cut soooooooo much.
i’ve been scratching at my scars to stop myself from cutting. they’re all raised and numb. i don’t even know if that’s any better. at least i won’t get a scar from it.
my body was shaking… not shivering, but actually spasming. i could barely even contain my silent screaming and swearing.
i’m so...
why did that hurt me? i’m getting too sensitive.
1 tag
i’ve had it with boys flirting with me, and then getting confused and angry when i fall for them. i’ve had it with guys hitting on me full stop. i’ve had it with guys honking at me from their cars and their trucks and guys wanting to hook up, but that’s it.
and it’s never the right guy anyway. i don’t like teenage relationships. i refuse to enter a relationship...
4 tags
you know you’re lonely when you start hitting on your best friend just because he’s the only person that will put up with it.
4 tags
look at the positives...
i have the most amazing body… seriously. it’s the only thing i’ve got going for me, but it’s pretty damn good.
like.. if i could walk around daily in a tight singlet and underwear, i’d be a lot more popular.
… just sayin’
i just want to be the best
i’m putting in the emotional and physical commitment. at the end of the day, no emotional or physical energy goes anywhere else, nothing else matters; my life is football and i’m putting everything i have into it.
so when i have a game where i don’t play to the best of my ability, i’m allowed to sulk a little bit… alright?! aiyah.
i feel like a deserve someone perfect and a perfect life, because of what i’ve been through and how hard i’ve tried.
but that doesn’t seem to count for anything and i think it will be my downfall.
June 2011
15 posts
2 tags
i am so goddamn sick of people. i hate people.
i wish i could just spend all of my time in silence.
not have to talk to anyone at school, because i’m sick to death of them all.
i felt so upset at school today. i just wanted to burst into tears. i just wanted to come home and go to training.
1 tag
i feel like my bestfriend is turning against me. she’s always talking sharp back at me and telling me that she doesn’t care for what i’m talking about.
i can’t lose another friend.
i swear, i won’t be able to trust anyone again if i lose another friend.
since high school started:
first two best friends - bullied me.
second best friend - stopped talking to me all...
i don't think i'll ever fall out of love with you.
sad thing is, i’m pretending to you that i don’t love you anymore, because that’s what you wanted.