Personality Disorder: Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: Very High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
fuck :)
so i’m enjoying writing at the moment (see previous post), but that’s about it.
i had a panic attack the other day and cried on the bus because i thought my best friend hated me. and i have good reason to, because i’ve never had a friend that hasn’t turned on me. regardless, i think her and i are still cool, but i legitimately was sick for a week worrying that she’d turned on me.
everybody just gets sick of me, you know? every single person.
i’m also sick of trying to be somebody that everybody wants me to be at least until i finish high school (4 months until end of classes, 6 months until end of exams/graduation!). if it means that i lose friends and i stay forever alone then i really don’t care anymore. i want to talk about what i want to talk about, i want to read and write fanfictions.
i’m sick of everybody just shutting me down because i’m different. or they don’t try to hide the fact that they’re not interested in a word i say. it’s awful. my parents do it too. like legitimately, dad puts the radio on to stop me from talking, mum and dad always say “we don’t care about that” or sigh when i bring up a topic i want to talk about.
i’ve actually felt a lot like the old me for the past couple of weeks, which is scary. i’ve felt tired, depressed, apathetic and downright disgusting.
i’m beyond sick of the way i look.
i just want to be someone else. please.
i’m socially awkward too. my best friend made new friends the other day and asked me to sit with them. i sat on the floor, didn’t say a word. they were talking about boys, alcohol, parties and sex: none of which are even close to existing in my life.
i just wish that i was somebody else or that i could completely change myself without reverting back to me.
i’ve started writing fan fictions which is actually really therapeutic.
personally, i don’t think they’re too bad either.
just saying.
also i’ve started doing that thing again where i get so lost in my own imaginations that i lose the line between what is reality and what isn’t.. and i don’t mean a blurred line, i mean no line.
i cried last night because my imaginary boyfriend had been so romantic that it made me cry happy tears. wtf?
it has and always will be impossible for me to go to actually go to sleep without wrapping my arm around my self and convincing myself that somebody else is there.
i also hit rockbottom the other night when i was home alone, made myself dinner and then actually set the table for both myself and my not-there-and-doesn’t-know-i-exist boyfriend. (if it makes me any less crazy, it’s not somebody i know in person).
but still, i’m actually, literally, 100% f@$#^@# nuts.
it’s official.
i know i’ve always kinda of said that i have a large ego, but low self esteem.
let me explain. i don’t think that i’m attractive at all and i am so uncomfortable with my personality as a whole and many things about my body.
but, i’ve always known that i have a good.. fantastic body and i know that i’m better than most people at most things. (don’t judge me).
i also can’t stand being wrong or challenged, to the point where it actually makes me physically ill and the smallest comment can turn my small insecurities into a raging fire.
but i’m not feeling so .. sexy in my “fantastic body” after gaining 7kg in muscle for the sport i love so much and dedicate my life to.
and my insecurities are getting worse, as still no boy will touch me with a ten foot pole and my skin is breaking out and my hair is a wreck and my fingernails are awful and short and my fingers are disgusting and distorted as always and my legs are more athletic and my stomach/waist is less feminine and more like a block from all the core training and the scars on my wrist seem to be screaming at me to look at them (even though i haven’t cut in.. jeez, maybe i don’t know 5 months? and i feel like i’m done forever yay!
my skin is breaking out everywhere it’s awful.
i am absorbing myself in fandoms and fanfictions again, which is making me lose sight of my studies.
the only thing i do these days are sit in my pjs all day and tweet, read fanfictions or train.
at least i have training.
my confidence is starting to hit rock bottom, because of the simple fact that nobody. wants. me.
sorry for the rant, but i needed that.
uhm. what just happened.
i have also self-diagnosed myself with 6 mental disorders.
which actually explain 100% of all of my insecurities/self harming/depression/weirdness/inconsistent self image/fear of abandonment/ everything.
five of these six are personality disorders.
one of the six was hypochondria, because i spend most of my time worrying about my health, what’s wrong with me and self diagnosing myself with thousands of diseases and diroders. i also call bullshit when doctors say there’s nothing wrong. at times i’ve seen up to 5 doctors for one injury/disease thing.
you know you’re a hypochondriac when you google “hypochondria diagnosis test”. google should just come up with a giant screen that says “yes, you have it”.
i laughed at the irony.
when your friends make joke insults about you and you have a breakdown because of your irrational fear that they are not joking at all.
i seriously hate my face and boobs.
they let the rest of me down and it sucks.
i also had a fight with my best friend last night and idk.
friends in general suck. so much effort.
except for tori. she’s definitely my best friend at the moment.
her and the boy that i … i guess i still am in love with him but i don’t love him? if that makes sense. at all. it doesn’t. but he still means a lot to me and is perfect.
talking to him heaps at the moment which makes my life about 487% better.
when i start uni and partying i’m sure i’ll find other friends as well.
it’s school holidays now which is really good. almost finished high school, which is a great thing. 2 more terms and i never have to deal with petty teenaged social problems again.
i’m also only two weeks away from the biggest day of my life.
i’ve been training and working harder than i could ever imagine for 3 years now and i hope it all pays off! i’ll keep you posted.
i’m also a bit worried about the fact that i’m so besotted with the idea of babies and weddings. i feel like i shouldn’t get excited about these things because odds are they’re not going to happen to me. because let’s be honest, i doubt somebody would marry me.
idek, i’m just insecure or stressed at the moment in everything.
because i don’t drink and haven’t for a good year and a half, i get really tired when drunk people think that they can just say whatever because they’re drunk.
yeah sure. go out, have fun. but don’t be a twat to your friends or anybody just because you’re drunk.
psssh.
really stressed at the moment. will elaborate later.
i had this massive master plan to maybe have a shot with the guy i like.
and it failed at step 2/6.
you’ve got to be kidding me.
that was my second plan too.
i’m all out of plans.
brb, watching the notebook and crying.
just f@#% everything right now.
i am so painfully alone. have been for years, my whole life actually. never not been alone. and i am done.
my friends and well.. everybody at the moment, keep telling me that the reason boys don’t like me is because i’m weird and have social problems.
they say it jokingly, but it’s true.
it’s really messing with my head and right now i just never want to speak again, because whenever i open my mouth i screw up.
i also complained the other day that it sucks that _____ would never like me. and my friend was like “well that’s because you don’t talk to him”.
1. i did talk to him three times. the first time we spoke for like 5 minutes, the second and third he ignored me and didn’t even say hello back.
2. i am actually horrified of speaking to guys at first because everybody always tells me that boys don’t like me because of my personality. so what am i supposed to do.
my options are becoming a mute or completely changing myself.
i feel like crap right now.
i wish that i had started fresh at my new school.
i mean, i changed a lot.
i changed my makeup and my clothes gradually, but at the start i kept that whole “hi i’m a scene kid and i’m so brutal i cut my clothes in class and listen to parkway loud enough for you to listen too”.
and so i didn’t make friends with any of the popular girls.
WHAT. I WOULD GIVE. TO BE. ONE. OF. THEM.
my friend today was all like “as if you’ve never had sex. you need to. it’s really fantastic. why don’t you just have sex with someone?”
uhm.
1. i’m ridiculously self-conscious. and
2. no boy would sign up for that shit.
i already haven’t been invited to a party in over a year now. this is getting a little sad guys.
i’m almost 18.
